the 5th.

Today is the 5th. Today is the day I realized it is only the 5th. I have time. I have time to meet new people, get to know some better, and grow in God. I will no longer plan ahead only to watch it pass by. I am tired of sitting and waiting for my life to come to me, wondering why it isn't. I am tired of going to bed before midnight and getting up early. I want to stay up late talking about life, and I won't to dred the morning because I know how weary my bones will be. I want to laugh. To laugh so hard it hurts and my abs get a work out. I am ready for my life to begin. And it is only the 5th. Hawaii has come and gone so quickly and I am not letting anymore slip through my fingers. I have so many days left. So don't remind me anymore how little time I have left. I refuse to listen. I have time. I am going to drink it in.

Living Water

From the time of my last post to now God has turned my heart from mourning to joy. He has blessed me so deeply with the love of random people here in Hawaii, those that have listened to His spirit and poured into me. I thank God for Caryle. That she was able to listen and to teach me. God gave me her on that day as a gift. Praise God. I want to never forsake the small blessing of coffee with a stranger, yet sister in Christ. I feel God has a message for the youth here, a specific one, that you must know who Jesus is, to understand where He walked, and who He talked to, to look like the Father. I however, have not had deaf ears. I too am learning what it means to look and talk and walk like Christ. Now, I know we have heard this before...what would Jesus do right? Well, sometimes the commerical Jesus clouds the revolutionary one...good intentions spoil the best. I am convinced daily that we aren't to learn how Jesus acted and then merely imitate Him. We are to believe. Just believe. We are to read the Word, recieve the Spirit, believe that He is the risen Son of God, and streams of Living Water will flow from within. This scripture doesn't say if we believe we will be living water, it simply says that it will flow from within. I once thought that I could "be" living water, now I realize that it is flowing from me. Wow. What a thought. To understand further, I sought the definition of "flow"- google states it well..."move or progress freely", "be abundently present", "uninterrupted stream", If you believe Jesus, take Him at His word, you will be an uninterrupted stream, the Spirit will be abundently present within...
Now sometimes the commercial Kara clouds the revolutionary one, sometimes I seek to do what Jesus did, I want to be a replication...and that is simply it. But that isn't what we are asked to do, we are only asked to believe, and then streams of Living water will flow...in Jeremiah we learn that the people have "committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." What is a cistern exactly? Well according again to google it is "an artificial reservoir for storing liquids, ususally water"...hmmm. why did God speak of being the spring of living water, just before this verse? There wasn't a flow anymore, no uninterrupted stream, God was abundently present. He was being stored in a cistern, a broken one. One that couldn't hold Him. God can't be held in a cistern, He must flow from within. This begs the question, the obvious cliche one...where are we storing our streams of Living water? Has the flow stopped, are we dry because we have no longer allowed God to spring out of us, and we have replaced a steady stream with a leaking pot?
I no longer want to be like Christ, I want Christ to come out of me... I only fail if I try to be like Him, I can no longer ask what Jesus would do. I simply do not know. He must flow from me. I must only be the vessel. [Vessel-a craft designed for water transportation] ...huh...ironic? No. Strategic? yes.
I am praying now that we would all stop trying to be like Christ, and simply let Christ be in us.

reminiscent.

Over the last week my emotions have been from the top of the mountain to lowest of the valley. I celebrated 23 years of life last Wednesday and it forced me into a state of reflection. To see where I have come from and more specifically the last year of my life...what was 22? Who was I? How did it lead me to here? 23. I must say that it was quite a crazy road to travel, to walk along the path of those forgotten, the hurts, the joys, the new friends. Life is crazy isn't it? I know that I have been blessed, but lately I feel alone. I feel so far away from "my life", but aren't I living it now? I feel so far away from my friends...I miss it. But when I reflect on what I miss I can't remember. I would love to say my birthday was a joyous one, but I must admit that it was one of the toughest yet. No one called. No one. I wonder. My heart hurts, and I cry. Why would no one call? Aren't you supposed to feel loved on this day? I know I am a world away, but on that day I didn't want to feel that way. Selfish. I am probably just selfish. I mean I know, everyone seems to remind me, that I am in Hawaii...but why does that matter. Alone is alone. I don't know how to stop crying. Everytime I reflect, I cry. I grieve. I don't even know what to long for, what to hope for. I pray God would bring me closer, I pray He would hold me. He has. He will. I know. I am here for a reason, right? I mean God wouldn't just bring me here to find out who loves me deeply...right? Of course not, of course I am here for a purpose. But right now, as I sit here...I don't have any idea what it might be. I could give all of the encouraging answers, to spread the truth, to "shine my light" but...it is just different to actually spread and shine. How? When? To who? What if they don't listen. or care. what if. My time is flying by, yet I feel it creeping along. I need God to bring a revelation, a revolution. I need my soul to rest in Him alone, then I couldn't be disappointed. God is the same, He remembers. He loves me. He sends me His love everyday, not just on June 20th. I need deep love. I need to feel loved. Stupid. I need God.

speechless.

The more and more I talk the more and more I realize words are useless. Well not completely, but at a point they just become words, mindless babble. The Bible talks about this right? Talking for the sake of talking. Well. I am finished with talking, or just talking. God has been pulling at my gut to get up, to go... to Africa? Europe? Hawaii? Nope. To the coffee shop? The bank? The store where I like their skirts? Yep. To the places where God is unexpected, love isn't usually worried about, you're just getting a drink, buying a shirt right? I am finding out, that in fact I am not. I am meeting people, faces, stories, that if I gave a crap about I would listen, I would ask. I would do more than sit or shop. I would bother to ask their name. I am frustrated with trying to convince those that don't listen that God loves them and yet requires something of them. Maybe we worry too much about the obvious? Or maybe what is good to hear...of course God loves us. He died for us, we can get it that. Maybe not at all the time, but it's not hard to fathom that God loves us...He created us. It would be unnatural for a parent to forsake His child..I think He even talks about this right? Maybe what those at the coffee shop and clothing store are astounded by is that this God is so revolutionary, so unconventional that He gets those that "follow" Him to give up all they have for the sake of them. That He wants these wretched people to show love, they don't have. If this God can change these people that look past me everyday, that complain I am not doing it fast enough, that worry only about their life. If this God can get them to smile, to have joy, to love, to look at them and want to know them, then maybe this God is real. Maybe He does something for people, to people. Maybe just maybe God loves them, really loves them, so much that He can get others to love them too. Maybe the concept of God isn't that hard to fathom, maybe it's that God changes people. Why is that?

Perspective.

The last two days have been hard ones for me. I have been discouraged and frustrated. I have questioned my purpose. Am I being heard-is God being heard through me? I don't know. I would like to give the obvious response of "of course" but I just feel the weight of it all. I feel the weight of those that do not understand the relationship they are missing, the freedom Jesus gives. I feel the weight for those that have all of the "sunday school" answers but don't give a rip about God or what He is doing in their lives. I am frustrated with those that are disrespectful, bitter, and angry yet my heart breaks for those same ones. What am I to do? When do I speak? When do I not? I have no idea. I don't know what to say to the 15 year old who is doing drugs, having sex, and going to jail for stealing all the while her dad is a pastor for the homeless in a park. I have 5 boys in my Bible Study! How the heck do I relate? When do I draw the line? Will they still respect me? Will they still like me? I feel as if my two weeks here with them has meant nothing. I want to be close with them, to share their struggles, but for now I am a stranger on the outside looking in, feeling their pain but not sharing it. I can only cry, I can only pray. Last night I laid there in my bed and prayed for God to help me, to lead me... sometime later I began to reread my journal entries and found this- ok so this was amazing (not that I wrote it but that God used something I had written before to encourage me :))...here it is from the flight over here:
2 hourse and some odd to go. I am beginning to feel the excitement. It's crazy how it seems so simple- get on a plane or two and you suddenly are a world away from home-from the ones you love. It seems perspective keeps coming up. Everything is a matter of perspective. I am aware that I have been up for longer than the clock tells me but because of the sun I am fooled. Now my perspective is that it is 3:00 or 4:00p.m. Wonder what all in life is misunderstood due to a lack of perspective? I hope to see the world from the perspective of Christ. Full of hope-because of Him. Able to be redeemed. If not...why live with Him? There must be a perspective that we don't always see. Because I only see the failures of man, the sin, the sickness, the injustice-oh the injustice! I pray to have eyes of hope. To move and act in love. I pray we would come to understand the one reoccuring fact-it isn't about us, or our opinion or perspective-but here's the irony-it's all about us with Him, in Him. His point of view lived out through us. What does Christ see and how to show that with my physical being? See how we become part? We don't get it all. We are just part, but what a beautiful part to play! The being of Christ's perspective.

life thus far.

My first week at Pali View has come to an end, and it already feels like I have been here for a while. Which I believe to be a good thing, I don't want the moments here to pass by too fast. We have had so many experiences in only 7 days, it is kind of crazy. We have learned so much about the culture, the people, their daily life that is nothing like the vacation brochures describe. We have eaten interesting food, which still makes me nervous and we have more yet to come...Ashley and I have gotten to know each other a little better, it's amazing how you put two people together sharing a room/working together/off days together and they just get to know each other pretty fast. We have had our first encounters with the youth. They are different than "typical youth" yet they are "typical youth" they are very reserved with us and offer their trust little by little, they stare at the floor when we ask questions and you could hear the faintest pin drop when they are asked to pray...yet they are so diverse, with such rich culture. I am excited to learn more about them one on one. I wonder how it will be, will they really cherish our times or am I just another person?...I hope to have an impact, but I hope to be impacted. The older members of the church are great, so welcoming...we have met a lady named Melissa who is about 35 with four kids all under the age of 5, she is amazing. She has really welcomed us, and we are working with her for children's church. We have seen some beautiful and amazing places, we found a beach one day about 10 minutes from our house, that truly was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Seriously. Amazing. I hope to go a lot, but we have a lot to do :)...I am learning so much in the process of all these events...I am learning that things really only happen through prayer, and I am learning that if these youth are to get anything out of this summer it is through God alone, I am really realizing how lonely people are and how they just need love, they need to be heard....we have done a lot of listening. :) I am learning patience and immediacy at the same time...I am learning that God is into building relationships and doing things the not so efficient way...I am learning a lot...I hope to be stretched even more, though it scares me to ask for that!!
Prayer requests:
relationships with church members/ashley/janet/erin & brent/the youth....
to meet and reach those that are in the community and not just those in the church
that the youth would have an awakening
that i would have an awakening....

I love you all, thank you so much for reading this, and praying with me.
Kara

Ruins.

I have recently arrived in Hawaii and I have seen so many beautiful places, and met so many beautiful spirits. Places that seemed untouched by man. On one of our first days we visited Pearl Harbor. We stood in line and road the boat to the memorial with all of the others deperate to see all of Oahu. We were informed to remain silent out of respect. So as a hush fell over the people we hurried to see what lay below. I couldn't help but think it was ugly. This big piece of rusting metal set in the beautiful blue sea, yet attempts at life were beginning to grow as colorful fish swam about. The top of the water gleamed with seeping oil from the ship. It make me begin to think. Why do we do this? What is our obsession? I understand the idea of honoring those lost, I do. But doesn't it seem a little silly to put a building over a sunken ship and a shrine to all who passed, and tote people to see it every day? Ironic how we only stand to remember the heroics that happened that day at Pearl Harbor? We don't however, stand to say that our government backed Japan in a corner and played Risk with land to gain power and now all we have to show for it is a sunken rusting ship leaking oil with a shrine to some 1100 men who perished. Kind of seems familiar to me. I get greedy, I want power, I manipulate others and decieve myself...and all that is left is rusting metal, all the while paradise surrounds. Kind of ugly isn't it? Worse yet we build a shrine over it and visit it often, forgetting the selfish events leading to our destruction. But we argue that something beautiful is happening-life is growing and bright fish are swimming...yes, but imagine if it was removed? Gone. No more sunken ship. What could then grow and flourish? What would live there? And what would we do with the time that was spent visiting the memorial?

Lillies of The Field.

So many times I try to figure out God's plan for me. So many times I want to know what comes next. I want to know what God is teaching me, I want to know how it applies. I think practically of God. Seemingly in a good way, but when I consider the lillies of the field they don't act as I do. They don't ask God to make sense of their bloom, or their growth...or ask why the exist. They just do. But it seems to so easy to say they just do. Of course they do. They are flowers. They don't have brains and overactive imaginations. They are just flowers. But yet we know they exude God's beauty. They are a picture of His overactive imagination. How then can they be just lillies of the field? I think the lesson here is this, when we exude God...when we are out to point to Heaven-the Kingdom of God-we won't take consideration of our lives. where we shall live. or eat. or who we will marry. or what house i will buy. or car. or clothes... we will simply exist. When our focus is Christ. our focus is Christ. that's it. But how to make Christ our focus?
I am learning that we are the people of game plans. We must have a plan, there must at least be a method to the madness. So we seek ways to focus on Christ. Ironic isn't it? We set out with this great thought of immersing ourselves in Christ. Yet we focus on the gameplan. No wonder Christ asked if the disciples where that dense. Am I that dense. What is wrong with me. Clearly the answer here is to immerse myself in Christ. That is the how. It just is. No gameplan. No set amount of prayer, or quiet times, or bible studies will get us there. We are there now. Open your eyes, breathe in, listen.
Crazy things will start to happen. You will start to see yourself act as Christ. I know I know. Profound. But it's true. Keep in mind this isn't part of the gameplan...it is a result of Christ. You can't will yourself here. I have tried. Doesn't work. I am amazed at the gut wrenching truth that is borne from within. It hurts. It is embarrasing. I am no longer important. It isn't about me. It isn't about me. I can feel Christ at work, wringing out what is left of sin. It is amazing. I am beginning to understand that true freedom comes from submission. It just doesn't make sense. But it works. Crazy how all the things that don't make sense end up being perfect. Praise God that it doesn't make sense...grace? mercy? new creation? it doesn't make sense. but it ends up being perfect.

Change.

When I think about my future I can't help but think about my past. Where I have been. The places that I have seen. The friends that have impressed my spirit. When I think about times past I can't help but to grieve. To grieve memories lost, time wasted, the hurt, the laughs. I see time clearly, tangibly. I hold the still images in my mind and in an instant they return from which they came. The tears, they come, they flood my spirit. Change encroaches and I wish to retreat. I wish to run, to return to the days of old, to be me before now. Why must we change? Why must life change? I can imagine the disciples in their despair. Jesus has been their friend, their teacher, their family...and then the plan changes, life happens, and His ends. Why? Why does it have to happen. I am happy. I am just fine here now. I am just now getting the hang of it, don't take it now. No. But He must. If I am to grow, to sink my roots down deep into Him, it must happen. They journey must continue and the music will play on. Can anyone see, does anyone know, can you hear me? It hurts. I don't want to do this, I proclaim! Is there any other way? Why have you forsaken me? The ironic yet reassuring fact remains, the God I can't see, and have never audibly heard sustains. He wipes away my tears, and holds me when it hurts. He tells me He knows...He knows life that was meant to be something else, but in time and in evil it changed...oh but look what a beautiful masterpiece it became. Change. It must. I must. But how? I only look back to see that it has happened, but take no note of it in the process...God has a plan. and it changes in time and in evil. but a beautiful masterpiece I will become.