reminiscent.

Over the last week my emotions have been from the top of the mountain to lowest of the valley. I celebrated 23 years of life last Wednesday and it forced me into a state of reflection. To see where I have come from and more specifically the last year of my life...what was 22? Who was I? How did it lead me to here? 23. I must say that it was quite a crazy road to travel, to walk along the path of those forgotten, the hurts, the joys, the new friends. Life is crazy isn't it? I know that I have been blessed, but lately I feel alone. I feel so far away from "my life", but aren't I living it now? I feel so far away from my friends...I miss it. But when I reflect on what I miss I can't remember. I would love to say my birthday was a joyous one, but I must admit that it was one of the toughest yet. No one called. No one. I wonder. My heart hurts, and I cry. Why would no one call? Aren't you supposed to feel loved on this day? I know I am a world away, but on that day I didn't want to feel that way. Selfish. I am probably just selfish. I mean I know, everyone seems to remind me, that I am in Hawaii...but why does that matter. Alone is alone. I don't know how to stop crying. Everytime I reflect, I cry. I grieve. I don't even know what to long for, what to hope for. I pray God would bring me closer, I pray He would hold me. He has. He will. I know. I am here for a reason, right? I mean God wouldn't just bring me here to find out who loves me deeply...right? Of course not, of course I am here for a purpose. But right now, as I sit here...I don't have any idea what it might be. I could give all of the encouraging answers, to spread the truth, to "shine my light" but...it is just different to actually spread and shine. How? When? To who? What if they don't listen. or care. what if. My time is flying by, yet I feel it creeping along. I need God to bring a revelation, a revolution. I need my soul to rest in Him alone, then I couldn't be disappointed. God is the same, He remembers. He loves me. He sends me His love everyday, not just on June 20th. I need deep love. I need to feel loved. Stupid. I need God.