I have been in Seattle and Portland for three days now visiting a very dear friend in my life (Nacole) and I am now on my way to another (Eno)! The scenery has been amazing! I was able to visit Portland State and it was sooo perfect. I loved the feel of the city and the views it offered as well. There were so many bridges that completely freaked Nacole out! If it were not for the cautions of those that live there regarding the weather I would already have confirmed in my heart that I am moving to Portland tomorrow! Nacole and I were able to talk about life and sit silently too. It was such a great time with such a beautiful friend. I am sad to move on but I am also soo very excited to see another amazing influence in my life!
God is so gracious to give me this time to revive my soul. I have been up and down now for about a year with jobs, decisions, choices etc. I must be honest, though most of you reading already know this, I have been quite miserable with my circumstances. My jobs while exciting and fruitful at times have left me lonely and unfulfilled. I have felt useless and like I am a wrong fit for my own life. I feel my wings have been clipped and though I try and try to fly it just won't happen. I have felt trapped. I love my friends that have become my family over the last four years but I feel I need to move on.
In truth, my frustrations only come from within me- it really isn't the traffic, the price of gas, the same food I can't stomach the thought of eating yet again. It really isn't the idea of the familiar and consistent. I love knowing and being known. It's that I have a vision- I believe I have been given a vision. It's as though I see it through glass doors that won't part to let me live it. I push and beat on the doors. I plead with logic and tears but they won't part. I must stay for now on this side of my vision. The side that seems ridiculously pointless and lonely while my vision lives in front of my face.
So with no wisdom of my own I have sought the wisdom of valued friends and mentors. I have been told over and over again, almost frustratingly so, that perhaps God is trying to speak to me. Well, of course He is, but why can't I hear Him? Why don't I know that He is seeking me out? Why am I still looking and searching for the answer and solution to my frustrations in the new and unknown? Why do I not quiet myself and see what He has to say to me?
Well, I knew coming here that is what I would do. I would sit and listen on the plane, in the airports and on shuttles to the voice that is so annoyingly soft. It is so strange- the world is walking frantically past me even now as I sit in the airport but I can hear Him. Oswald Chambers has been speaking the voice of God to me in the past couple of days. I am learning so much. I am learning that I have so missed it. I have missed the point. I have started working for my salvation. Not working for my salvation found in the true Christ but working for the salvation of the world. Working to solve the problems of my own sin and others with my human hands. Working for what I believe will bring salvation- sustainability and humanitarian aid. My salvation has been placed in earthly answers and solutions. Paradigms that might work if everyone were to cooperate. I have been bitterly frustrated with selfish hearts of those that won't usher in this salvation and instead seek money, power, and fame. But am I not the same? Seeking fulfillment in the things that will fade away. You can have the best system to feed the hungry and come up with a way to teach widows how to farm for money, but it won't end there. It won't stop. Humanity is dying. We are moving towards our end. Yet I have believed salvation to be the end of HIV/AIDS, the end of violence against women, the end of poverty and starving children... that isn't salvation. Feed them once and they will be hungry again, find a cure and there will be another sickness, get them money and along comes power. What I am not saying is that fighting the injustices of the world isn't imperative for the children of God. But what I am saying is that our salvation should not rest there. Salvation isn't the rescue of the beaten and marginalized. Salvation isn't solutions and goals and plans. Salvation isn't education, marriage, family, new cities, travel. Salvation is the spirit of God in us working according to His good purpose. Salvation is in Christ, complete submersion in God. Salvation is internal and personal. Salvation is the point, and while this seems obvious I have chased and created idols. If only this and that and if I lived here and had that degree I would be saved. Saved from myself. Saved from frustrations and worries. Saved from debt and guilt. If I were that person with that job I would be happy. I would be me. What lies the devil has sold and so many have bought! I must stop. I must seek to know true salvation offered in Christ. I must live now in the fullness of His love. What have we made our salvation? What have we cheated God? What have we sold others?
I have learned in the last couple of days that I am waiting on this side of the glass doors to learn just this, and I would not care to learn this so bad if I did not see my vision laid out in front of me. I would want to know why I was learning this. But God is so clever. He has given me dreams and visions and is preparing me to fulfill them. He is teaching me that the only thing that matters in to be in love with the Christ- to seek Him first. I could feed the whole world and cure AIDS and they are still going to die without their savior. (Not saying we shouldn't meet the physical AND spiritual needs of others) Just simply saying "Our Lord calls us to no special work-- He calls us to Himself."
I am so excited to see where God takes me and what he teaches me on the next six days of my journey! Thank you to all who have listened and prayed for me. You prayers are birthing change in my heart. God is speaking.
I love you all deeply!
Kara
God is so gracious to give me this time to revive my soul. I have been up and down now for about a year with jobs, decisions, choices etc. I must be honest, though most of you reading already know this, I have been quite miserable with my circumstances. My jobs while exciting and fruitful at times have left me lonely and unfulfilled. I have felt useless and like I am a wrong fit for my own life. I feel my wings have been clipped and though I try and try to fly it just won't happen. I have felt trapped. I love my friends that have become my family over the last four years but I feel I need to move on.
In truth, my frustrations only come from within me- it really isn't the traffic, the price of gas, the same food I can't stomach the thought of eating yet again. It really isn't the idea of the familiar and consistent. I love knowing and being known. It's that I have a vision- I believe I have been given a vision. It's as though I see it through glass doors that won't part to let me live it. I push and beat on the doors. I plead with logic and tears but they won't part. I must stay for now on this side of my vision. The side that seems ridiculously pointless and lonely while my vision lives in front of my face.
So with no wisdom of my own I have sought the wisdom of valued friends and mentors. I have been told over and over again, almost frustratingly so, that perhaps God is trying to speak to me. Well, of course He is, but why can't I hear Him? Why don't I know that He is seeking me out? Why am I still looking and searching for the answer and solution to my frustrations in the new and unknown? Why do I not quiet myself and see what He has to say to me?
Well, I knew coming here that is what I would do. I would sit and listen on the plane, in the airports and on shuttles to the voice that is so annoyingly soft. It is so strange- the world is walking frantically past me even now as I sit in the airport but I can hear Him. Oswald Chambers has been speaking the voice of God to me in the past couple of days. I am learning so much. I am learning that I have so missed it. I have missed the point. I have started working for my salvation. Not working for my salvation found in the true Christ but working for the salvation of the world. Working to solve the problems of my own sin and others with my human hands. Working for what I believe will bring salvation- sustainability and humanitarian aid. My salvation has been placed in earthly answers and solutions. Paradigms that might work if everyone were to cooperate. I have been bitterly frustrated with selfish hearts of those that won't usher in this salvation and instead seek money, power, and fame. But am I not the same? Seeking fulfillment in the things that will fade away. You can have the best system to feed the hungry and come up with a way to teach widows how to farm for money, but it won't end there. It won't stop. Humanity is dying. We are moving towards our end. Yet I have believed salvation to be the end of HIV/AIDS, the end of violence against women, the end of poverty and starving children... that isn't salvation. Feed them once and they will be hungry again, find a cure and there will be another sickness, get them money and along comes power. What I am not saying is that fighting the injustices of the world isn't imperative for the children of God. But what I am saying is that our salvation should not rest there. Salvation isn't the rescue of the beaten and marginalized. Salvation isn't solutions and goals and plans. Salvation isn't education, marriage, family, new cities, travel. Salvation is the spirit of God in us working according to His good purpose. Salvation is in Christ, complete submersion in God. Salvation is internal and personal. Salvation is the point, and while this seems obvious I have chased and created idols. If only this and that and if I lived here and had that degree I would be saved. Saved from myself. Saved from frustrations and worries. Saved from debt and guilt. If I were that person with that job I would be happy. I would be me. What lies the devil has sold and so many have bought! I must stop. I must seek to know true salvation offered in Christ. I must live now in the fullness of His love. What have we made our salvation? What have we cheated God? What have we sold others?
I have learned in the last couple of days that I am waiting on this side of the glass doors to learn just this, and I would not care to learn this so bad if I did not see my vision laid out in front of me. I would want to know why I was learning this. But God is so clever. He has given me dreams and visions and is preparing me to fulfill them. He is teaching me that the only thing that matters in to be in love with the Christ- to seek Him first. I could feed the whole world and cure AIDS and they are still going to die without their savior. (Not saying we shouldn't meet the physical AND spiritual needs of others) Just simply saying "Our Lord calls us to no special work-- He calls us to Himself."
I am so excited to see where God takes me and what he teaches me on the next six days of my journey! Thank you to all who have listened and prayed for me. You prayers are birthing change in my heart. God is speaking.
I love you all deeply!
Kara
