Colors of fall, cold air, and contemplation.

I have been in Seattle and Portland for three days now visiting a very dear friend in my life (Nacole) and I am now on my way to another (Eno)! The scenery has been amazing! I was able to visit Portland State and it was sooo perfect. I loved the feel of the city and the views it offered as well. There were so many bridges that completely freaked Nacole out! If it were not for the cautions of those that live there regarding the weather I would already have confirmed in my heart that I am moving to Portland tomorrow! Nacole and I were able to talk about life and sit silently too. It was such a great time with such a beautiful friend. I am sad to move on but I am also soo very excited to see another amazing influence in my life!
God is so gracious to give me this time to revive my soul. I have been up and down now for about a year with jobs, decisions, choices etc. I must be honest, though most of you reading already know this, I have been quite miserable with my circumstances. My jobs while exciting and fruitful at times have left me lonely and unfulfilled. I have felt useless and like I am a wrong fit for my own life. I feel my wings have been clipped and though I try and try to fly it just won't happen. I have felt trapped. I love my friends that have become my family over the last four years but I feel I need to move on.
In truth, my frustrations only come from within me- it really isn't the traffic, the price of gas, the same food I can't stomach the thought of eating yet again. It really isn't the idea of the familiar and consistent. I love knowing and being known. It's that I have a vision- I believe I have been given a vision. It's as though I see it through glass doors that won't part to let me live it. I push and beat on the doors. I plead with logic and tears but they won't part. I must stay for now on this side of my vision. The side that seems ridiculously pointless and lonely while my vision lives in front of my face.
So with no wisdom of my own I have sought the wisdom of valued friends and mentors. I have been told over and over again, almost frustratingly so, that perhaps God is trying to speak to me. Well, of course He is, but why can't I hear Him? Why don't I know that He is seeking me out? Why am I still looking and searching for the answer and solution to my frustrations in the new and unknown? Why do I not quiet myself and see what He has to say to me?
Well, I knew coming here that is what I would do. I would sit and listen on the plane, in the airports and on shuttles to the voice that is so annoyingly soft. It is so strange- the world is walking frantically past me even now as I sit in the airport but I can hear Him. Oswald Chambers has been speaking the voice of God to me in the past couple of days. I am learning so much. I am learning that I have so missed it. I have missed the point. I have started working for my salvation. Not working for my salvation found in the true Christ but working for the salvation of the world. Working to solve the problems of my own sin and others with my human hands. Working for what I believe will bring salvation- sustainability and humanitarian aid. My salvation has been placed in earthly answers and solutions. Paradigms that might work if everyone were to cooperate. I have been bitterly frustrated with selfish hearts of those that won't usher in this salvation and instead seek money, power, and fame. But am I not the same? Seeking fulfillment in the things that will fade away. You can have the best system to feed the hungry and come up with a way to teach widows how to farm for money, but it won't end there. It won't stop. Humanity is dying. We are moving towards our end. Yet I have believed salvation to be the end of HIV/AIDS, the end of violence against women, the end of poverty and starving children... that isn't salvation. Feed them once and they will be hungry again, find a cure and there will be another sickness, get them money and along comes power. What I am not saying is that fighting the injustices of the world isn't imperative for the children of God. But what I am saying is that our salvation should not rest there. Salvation isn't the rescue of the beaten and marginalized. Salvation isn't solutions and goals and plans. Salvation isn't education, marriage, family, new cities, travel. Salvation is the spirit of God in us working according to His good purpose. Salvation is in Christ, complete submersion in God. Salvation is internal and personal. Salvation is the point, and while this seems obvious I have chased and created idols. If only this and that and if I lived here and had that degree I would be saved. Saved from myself. Saved from frustrations and worries. Saved from debt and guilt. If I were that person with that job I would be happy. I would be me. What lies the devil has sold and so many have bought! I must stop. I must seek to know true salvation offered in Christ. I must live now in the fullness of His love. What have we made our salvation? What have we cheated God? What have we sold others?
I have learned in the last couple of days that I am waiting on this side of the glass doors to learn just this, and I would not care to learn this so bad if I did not see my vision laid out in front of me. I would want to know why I was learning this. But God is so clever. He has given me dreams and visions and is preparing me to fulfill them. He is teaching me that the only thing that matters in to be in love with the Christ- to seek Him first. I could feed the whole world and cure AIDS and they are still going to die without their savior. (Not saying we shouldn't meet the physical AND spiritual needs of others) Just simply saying "Our Lord calls us to no special work-- He calls us to Himself."
I am so excited to see where God takes me and what he teaches me on the next six days of my journey! Thank you to all who have listened and prayed for me. You prayers are birthing change in my heart. God is speaking.

I love you all deeply!

Kara

The tree outside my window.

I have watched this tree for months now. It is the only view I have from my window at work. I look to it often when I am bored or lonely. I have seen it in its fullness of summer and now the dead of its winter. I understand the cycle, I get the biological process. Every spring this tree brings forth new leaves, and they begin to grow seeking their nurishment from the sun and the rain. They are beautiful but it isn't the green I notice. The green is everyday. I see the green everyday and it becomes the norm. Then this tree outside my window started to change. It wasn't obvious at first, but slowly over months time it began to glow with oranges and reds. It became something to take note of. I loved this beauty, but at the same time I was anxious. I knew this would lead to the death of the leaves. I have seen this happen before. I know what is coming. It only lasts but a short time and then they are gone. They fall to the ground and the tree is bare. This morning as I sat at my desk I began to wonder what from this cycle could I learn about God. I began immediately to note my life feels like this often... just when my leaves are at their fullest and I am content they begin to turn and change. I often lament this change because I know what is coming. But it is also at this time that I am most beautiful, when the glow of dying to myself is praised, that is something to take note of. I also began to wonder if a passer by not knowing about trees, one who didn't understand their cycle, only saw this tree bare. Having heard once that trees grow leaves, they wait. I thought about them waiting and waiting for something to change, something to bloom, to grow. I thought about them giving up and thinking well this must just be the way trees behave, or at least this tree. I think about them walking away and not getting to witness what I have from my window. The joy of new growth, the beauty in death, and the cycle of it beginning again. I began to see that I am often that passer by to my own life. I sit impatiently waiting for something to grow and change, and give up when nothing happens. I walk away just before something green grows. Perhaps, I might stick around to see the growth but cry and beg and plead for my leaves not to change. Why must this happen? Am I ever going to grow again? If only I understood the process. If only I could see from a window the whole thing happen. It happens in a cycle, we learn, we grow, and then we are in the dead of winter and our leaves fall off. Something must die, it isn't the time for growth. And then every Spring it happens again. and again. and again. When will I learn that God is good and won't leave me in the dead of winter or the fulness of spring? I can't always learn and gain, I must also give and sacrifice. If this tree could talk and tell me it was depressed because it just lost all of its leaves again. I would be in shock. Seriously? Didn't you know this was going to happen? It happens every year, but they come back, don't you know that? Your leaves come back. I believe God told me this morning through this tree that my leaves will come back. It will be spring again, soon enough. But for now its winter and I must live in the winter and then the spring will come.

the 5th.

Today is the 5th. Today is the day I realized it is only the 5th. I have time. I have time to meet new people, get to know some better, and grow in God. I will no longer plan ahead only to watch it pass by. I am tired of sitting and waiting for my life to come to me, wondering why it isn't. I am tired of going to bed before midnight and getting up early. I want to stay up late talking about life, and I won't to dred the morning because I know how weary my bones will be. I want to laugh. To laugh so hard it hurts and my abs get a work out. I am ready for my life to begin. And it is only the 5th. Hawaii has come and gone so quickly and I am not letting anymore slip through my fingers. I have so many days left. So don't remind me anymore how little time I have left. I refuse to listen. I have time. I am going to drink it in.

Living Water

From the time of my last post to now God has turned my heart from mourning to joy. He has blessed me so deeply with the love of random people here in Hawaii, those that have listened to His spirit and poured into me. I thank God for Caryle. That she was able to listen and to teach me. God gave me her on that day as a gift. Praise God. I want to never forsake the small blessing of coffee with a stranger, yet sister in Christ. I feel God has a message for the youth here, a specific one, that you must know who Jesus is, to understand where He walked, and who He talked to, to look like the Father. I however, have not had deaf ears. I too am learning what it means to look and talk and walk like Christ. Now, I know we have heard this before...what would Jesus do right? Well, sometimes the commerical Jesus clouds the revolutionary one...good intentions spoil the best. I am convinced daily that we aren't to learn how Jesus acted and then merely imitate Him. We are to believe. Just believe. We are to read the Word, recieve the Spirit, believe that He is the risen Son of God, and streams of Living Water will flow from within. This scripture doesn't say if we believe we will be living water, it simply says that it will flow from within. I once thought that I could "be" living water, now I realize that it is flowing from me. Wow. What a thought. To understand further, I sought the definition of "flow"- google states it well..."move or progress freely", "be abundently present", "uninterrupted stream", If you believe Jesus, take Him at His word, you will be an uninterrupted stream, the Spirit will be abundently present within...
Now sometimes the commercial Kara clouds the revolutionary one, sometimes I seek to do what Jesus did, I want to be a replication...and that is simply it. But that isn't what we are asked to do, we are only asked to believe, and then streams of Living water will flow...in Jeremiah we learn that the people have "committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." What is a cistern exactly? Well according again to google it is "an artificial reservoir for storing liquids, ususally water"...hmmm. why did God speak of being the spring of living water, just before this verse? There wasn't a flow anymore, no uninterrupted stream, God was abundently present. He was being stored in a cistern, a broken one. One that couldn't hold Him. God can't be held in a cistern, He must flow from within. This begs the question, the obvious cliche one...where are we storing our streams of Living water? Has the flow stopped, are we dry because we have no longer allowed God to spring out of us, and we have replaced a steady stream with a leaking pot?
I no longer want to be like Christ, I want Christ to come out of me... I only fail if I try to be like Him, I can no longer ask what Jesus would do. I simply do not know. He must flow from me. I must only be the vessel. [Vessel-a craft designed for water transportation] ...huh...ironic? No. Strategic? yes.
I am praying now that we would all stop trying to be like Christ, and simply let Christ be in us.

reminiscent.

Over the last week my emotions have been from the top of the mountain to lowest of the valley. I celebrated 23 years of life last Wednesday and it forced me into a state of reflection. To see where I have come from and more specifically the last year of my life...what was 22? Who was I? How did it lead me to here? 23. I must say that it was quite a crazy road to travel, to walk along the path of those forgotten, the hurts, the joys, the new friends. Life is crazy isn't it? I know that I have been blessed, but lately I feel alone. I feel so far away from "my life", but aren't I living it now? I feel so far away from my friends...I miss it. But when I reflect on what I miss I can't remember. I would love to say my birthday was a joyous one, but I must admit that it was one of the toughest yet. No one called. No one. I wonder. My heart hurts, and I cry. Why would no one call? Aren't you supposed to feel loved on this day? I know I am a world away, but on that day I didn't want to feel that way. Selfish. I am probably just selfish. I mean I know, everyone seems to remind me, that I am in Hawaii...but why does that matter. Alone is alone. I don't know how to stop crying. Everytime I reflect, I cry. I grieve. I don't even know what to long for, what to hope for. I pray God would bring me closer, I pray He would hold me. He has. He will. I know. I am here for a reason, right? I mean God wouldn't just bring me here to find out who loves me deeply...right? Of course not, of course I am here for a purpose. But right now, as I sit here...I don't have any idea what it might be. I could give all of the encouraging answers, to spread the truth, to "shine my light" but...it is just different to actually spread and shine. How? When? To who? What if they don't listen. or care. what if. My time is flying by, yet I feel it creeping along. I need God to bring a revelation, a revolution. I need my soul to rest in Him alone, then I couldn't be disappointed. God is the same, He remembers. He loves me. He sends me His love everyday, not just on June 20th. I need deep love. I need to feel loved. Stupid. I need God.

speechless.

The more and more I talk the more and more I realize words are useless. Well not completely, but at a point they just become words, mindless babble. The Bible talks about this right? Talking for the sake of talking. Well. I am finished with talking, or just talking. God has been pulling at my gut to get up, to go... to Africa? Europe? Hawaii? Nope. To the coffee shop? The bank? The store where I like their skirts? Yep. To the places where God is unexpected, love isn't usually worried about, you're just getting a drink, buying a shirt right? I am finding out, that in fact I am not. I am meeting people, faces, stories, that if I gave a crap about I would listen, I would ask. I would do more than sit or shop. I would bother to ask their name. I am frustrated with trying to convince those that don't listen that God loves them and yet requires something of them. Maybe we worry too much about the obvious? Or maybe what is good to hear...of course God loves us. He died for us, we can get it that. Maybe not at all the time, but it's not hard to fathom that God loves us...He created us. It would be unnatural for a parent to forsake His child..I think He even talks about this right? Maybe what those at the coffee shop and clothing store are astounded by is that this God is so revolutionary, so unconventional that He gets those that "follow" Him to give up all they have for the sake of them. That He wants these wretched people to show love, they don't have. If this God can change these people that look past me everyday, that complain I am not doing it fast enough, that worry only about their life. If this God can get them to smile, to have joy, to love, to look at them and want to know them, then maybe this God is real. Maybe He does something for people, to people. Maybe just maybe God loves them, really loves them, so much that He can get others to love them too. Maybe the concept of God isn't that hard to fathom, maybe it's that God changes people. Why is that?

Perspective.

The last two days have been hard ones for me. I have been discouraged and frustrated. I have questioned my purpose. Am I being heard-is God being heard through me? I don't know. I would like to give the obvious response of "of course" but I just feel the weight of it all. I feel the weight of those that do not understand the relationship they are missing, the freedom Jesus gives. I feel the weight for those that have all of the "sunday school" answers but don't give a rip about God or what He is doing in their lives. I am frustrated with those that are disrespectful, bitter, and angry yet my heart breaks for those same ones. What am I to do? When do I speak? When do I not? I have no idea. I don't know what to say to the 15 year old who is doing drugs, having sex, and going to jail for stealing all the while her dad is a pastor for the homeless in a park. I have 5 boys in my Bible Study! How the heck do I relate? When do I draw the line? Will they still respect me? Will they still like me? I feel as if my two weeks here with them has meant nothing. I want to be close with them, to share their struggles, but for now I am a stranger on the outside looking in, feeling their pain but not sharing it. I can only cry, I can only pray. Last night I laid there in my bed and prayed for God to help me, to lead me... sometime later I began to reread my journal entries and found this- ok so this was amazing (not that I wrote it but that God used something I had written before to encourage me :))...here it is from the flight over here:
2 hourse and some odd to go. I am beginning to feel the excitement. It's crazy how it seems so simple- get on a plane or two and you suddenly are a world away from home-from the ones you love. It seems perspective keeps coming up. Everything is a matter of perspective. I am aware that I have been up for longer than the clock tells me but because of the sun I am fooled. Now my perspective is that it is 3:00 or 4:00p.m. Wonder what all in life is misunderstood due to a lack of perspective? I hope to see the world from the perspective of Christ. Full of hope-because of Him. Able to be redeemed. If not...why live with Him? There must be a perspective that we don't always see. Because I only see the failures of man, the sin, the sickness, the injustice-oh the injustice! I pray to have eyes of hope. To move and act in love. I pray we would come to understand the one reoccuring fact-it isn't about us, or our opinion or perspective-but here's the irony-it's all about us with Him, in Him. His point of view lived out through us. What does Christ see and how to show that with my physical being? See how we become part? We don't get it all. We are just part, but what a beautiful part to play! The being of Christ's perspective.